| Toni is for lovers. |
[11 Feb 2010|06:29pm] |
My name is Toni and I won't judge you. I like a lot of things; most of the time, things that get me in trouble; but mostly, beautiful things like art and music and murals. My heart always caves in for no reason, for things I can't understand and for things I know too well. I like vintage and oral fixations. I'm not an evil person, just someone comprised of bad habits: get it straight.
Ignonimity thirsts for respect.
Comment to be considered; this journal is semi-locked.
♥
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| of how much i've been touching you. |
[15 May 2007|10:52pm] |
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mood |
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 rejuvenated |
] |
Soooooo.
I met a boy I could not speak about.
GO ME.
Always wanting the things I can't have.
But I like the way his body sinks into mine.
And he makes me happy :)
And my ex boyfriend still loves me
Confusion is a bitch but Toni outbitches everyone else woot.
dear new boy with the beautiful korean eyes in which i could drown in,
hello. i'm ready, i want to love you, please don't break my heart. i really had a great time with you, and i would really love to make lovely memories with you. i think we'd make a good team :)
sincerely, toni <3
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| You bring me closer to defeat. |
[21 Mar 2007|07:25pm] |
Let's not make this pathetic than it already is:
Realizing things too late, getting lost in my own cigarette smoke.
Dazed and confused and ending up with nobody.
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| Hey, I think my heart broke just now. |
[26 Feb 2007|07:04pm] |
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mood |
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 uncomfortable |
] |
Nights like these piss me off; I get ephiphanies of sorts. Speaking underneath my skin, words like, you and I could have been perfect together (cliches and overused statements) but they speak to me because now they are very real. Words like it has been four days since I last talked to you and I need you so badly. Words like I should have fought for you, and are you attracted to another girl right now? Because I am trying to be attracted to another person, but he's not you, and I want you. And words like if I was such a ghost, I would be so close to you, you could feel my breath on your cheek. I don't ever want you to fade away: stay with me, please. I've never been this desperate. I need you so much closer.
Somehow, in the middle of December and today, I changed. I don't know who I am anymore and where I stand: I feel like a cloud floating; in a dream only I'm not waking up. Because this is reality. Everyday you wake up and take a bath and head on to school, yes that's it. That is the life you live. You sound so surprised.
I didn't know I would fold in half so easily.
Sunday in America: you know what that means. New secrets. Is this furrealz? Man, I loved that Blind Melon video. And that girl!
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| Are You Running Away? |
[15 Feb 2007|11:59pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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Wheat - Don't I Hold You |
] |
Sometimes it hurts when people don't see you for who you truly are and just base their idea of you on what they've heard about you; or about your reputation. It hurts when friends of ex-lovers whisper when you come near. It hurts when all people could talk about is your wild partying habits (which have been highly exaggerated). It hurts when you wake up to nasty text messages.
But of course, you laugh it off. You pretend like it doesn't affect you. Almost when you tell someone you still love them, and they don't believe you. This is how we live.
FYI, I am not a slut. I am just extremely confused. But I resolve to be happier because, as Isa says, when you're at your lowest, the only way you can go is up.
But please I know you're just like me; Next time, I promise we will be perfect.
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| We've got a good thing going on. |
[12 Feb 2007|11:20pm] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
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music |
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Tori Amos - Sleeps With Butterflies |
] |
Lately, people have been so weird. Trying to earn my love back. My love isn't earned, babe, it's something I give unconditionally; and it's something you should treasure while it's still there, because when it's over I don't really think I'm taking any late resolutions. I'm not talking about anyone in particular; this is for all the generalized others. People I haven't talked to in months, people who have hurt me before, ex-lovers and people who never replied. Is this making me sound cynical or just extremely hurt? Haha. I don't even know. Freyja says: BITTER. I know. I'm not really a bitter person, I don't know why I'm starting now. Love and peace and kisses from the third world.
Ummm, I have plans for February Fourteen. But I'm not sure yet, so I will keep my mouth shut about it. I hope it will push through, though! It includes a Chinese boy who is very close to my heaaaaaart! ♥ Or this other guy who I don't really like but is rich and has a car and likes me a lot. Plus he's...25? Rawr. But that's evil!
Last night I saw these wonderful skins for your iPod. I'm giving Chad probably three. Gia my Life Partner and I have resolved to have our designs of choice shipped. Feeling rich kids but not really, represent! :p (Well, Gia is a rich kid. I'm kinda just spoiled because I'm an only child.) All from GelaSkins! :)
( 2 more under the cut )
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| I don't want you to be just a passing fancy. It's true. |
[11 Feb 2007|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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worried |
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music |
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The Stills - Yesterday Never Tomorrows |
] |
I'm severely confused ATM. I'm trying to supress a lot of emotions and I'm trying really hard not to break down and cry; obviously, I have serious issues that have to be addressed. But presently, I'm just a mess. First, there's this problem of me not knowing who to trust anymore: there's this girl who has been lying to me a lot lately. Because I am nonconfrontational and whatnot, I am trying to be very avoidant. But the same girl has been acting like a saint around me when she's not, IDK, backstabbing me? It's making me feel really iffy and jittery. Define fake. I'm being wary, however. Also, since we move in the same social circle, it has also led me to fly below the radar and just hang out with people I am comfortable with. I know what I'm doing is making her even more anxious (which in the process is making me anxious) and more annoyed. Ugh. I just hope eventually everything will turn out to be OK. I mean, I'm used to being hated but not by people who I closely affiliate with. It makes the world very uncomfortable and it's making me very pessimistic. Which I usually am not.
I'm sorry if the above is quite vague, if you seriously want to know and if you seriously care you can ask me about it and I will further elaborate. Haha.
There's more of that here: A Page To Celebrate Valentine's Day!.
Oh, Friday: I spent after class watching Chris perform for Ice and Nails and for his other band (no name yet). I'm kind of proud of him, actually. And the whole experience was exhiliarating: I never saw him in that light. Anyway. I won't lie and say I don't love him anymore, I practically still am, and I really wish I didn't ruin everything. But yeah. I'm really glad I came, the only time I feel something really intense anyway is when I'm with him. Wow. I really just had to say that and make myself sad, yeah.
Another thing. In the afternoon, when I was eating at McDonald's, Ed ran into me. Ed was my boyfriend when I was in 3rd year highschool. I was ecstatic to see him: we ate mid-day lunch together, the works, finding out that he is now a model. Wow. I'm pretty happy that my ex lovers are all successful and happy, and the irony of it all is that I'm...not. Talk about a notch in your bedpost; I wish I served all of you well, though. HAHA. Dude, the drama.
But seriously. I feel like...a turning point who never has a turning point. Meh. I lose.
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| We've come so far. |
[23 Jan 2007|07:12pm] |
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mood |
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 cranky |
] |
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music |
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Fiona Apple - Criminal |
] |
Yo, I am home alone and tired as hell. But no point, really, in talking trash because today I woke up and I was, strangely, okay. So maybe that's good and one day less to be angst-ridden or emoetic, or heaven forbid, suicidal. So. Yeah. Closures are good for a lot of things: one is that they never keep you hanging and two is that I get to eat crepes with him on Monday. In other news, I was able to study for my Ethnobotany exam and I was happy with how it turned out (maybe that is reason three of why closures are good). Thank God.
Oh, random! I am not a huge huge fan of Casino Royale, but there is one scene that I would, VERY MUCH LIKE TO, happen to me. And one special boy.
( Someday. )
I am cheesy, hooray. One more:
One day, I will slow dance with you.
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| Make us it, make us hip, make us scene. |
[20 Jan 2007|02:14pm] |
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mood |
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awake |
] |
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music |
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DJ tiesto - Southern Sun |
] |
I haven't been uploading/taking pictures in forever. Nikki (my camera, yes, I am lame and I give names to my things like that) has been staying with my dad for almost a month already. Lately I have been too busy moping and putting up with life that I am forgetting to mind my pictures (the last event I documented was Mary's Debut -- way back in November! Diznamn!). Aestethically beautiful things have always been my game. But, yeah. I lose.
I wish it was summer already: so I can get back to doing the the things I love and have my life back. There are so many things to forget. The weather today is slightly sarcastic.
On lighter news: I got my iPod! I am currently filling it up with songs and nosebleeding on how to categorize the songs I like by genre (I'm trying to get ambient, acid jazz, indie folk, ethereal, etc. right. Haha). SO YEAH. Somehow I hate putting The Ataris, The Used and similar artists to the Punk/Rock label because I have issues like that. Thus I am trying to find a way to cheat the genre sheet and just classify them into "Happy Girl Songs", "Angry Girl Anthems", "Clubbing Songs" or "Parking lots". Or whatever. Because I'm weird and obscure like that. I don't understand it either. (BTW, It has a name: Chad; Jannel suggested calling it Nani the Nano but...ewww Xb).
Yesterday was pretty stupid. Freyja and I got teed off because we were supposed to report Pop Art in our Humanities 2 class, and after informing people we would, these bio students went up to our Prof and said that they would report said topic. WTF. We already told our Prof a week ago, and for some reason she forgot, and now we are stuck with Abstract Expressionism, what the hell. And if that's not enough: I am considering dropping my PE class. My grief manifests itself in various places: ATM it is making me very uncoordinated.
Oh, I want a paper/art journal. I am considering buying one, but after I buy iPod accessories and possibly, a Moto Razr (hot piiink!). Also: tomorrow or next week I am cleaning out my room, putting everything I don't use in a box and sending it off to the ends of the world. I am also taking down a couple of pictures from my picture wall, repaint some walls if possible, and will clean out my window panes. Right now my planner is all filled out with things to do and events to attend; it makes me feel directed, if anything.
In all honesty, I have to talk to him. I don't know when, but soon and when there is not much consequence the next day (IE, an exam). Because part of the reason why I bought Chad is because of him and because I don't know, I like eating sushi and talking to him, I like laughing and checking out beautiful girls when we're together (you know, finally someone who doesn't get weirded out with this trait), I like stepping on his shoes and I like the irony of it all.
I still feel you beneath my skin.
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| Break-up Diaries! |
[16 Jan 2007|03:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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annoyed |
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music |
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Kaskade - Everything |
] |
Disclaimer: I am drunk while typing this, so pardon any lapses in grammar or spelling!
My 2006 - 2007, so far: Two and a half heartbreaks, woot.
5 days since we're over and all I wanna do is spill myself on my bathroom floor, wear my leopard-print bikini underneath clubbing clothes, get wasted for the next few nights, wake up with eyeliner and mascara smeared all over my cheeks, get inked, hit the books all week, listen to nothing but house and techno music (NO EMO/SCREAMO shit for my own sanity!11), ride in cars with possible rebounds, watch Project Runway reruns and cry in the shower!
( plus: what i have been doing to distract myself )
Then, poof!, hopefully, one month after, I have moved on and am ready to un-skankify myself, learn to deal, wear my hair down, and be all sweet and a firm believer! in love once again. LIKE I HAVE BEEN DOING SINCE 14. Because fuck, I love the guy yeah (NOTE THE PRESENT TENSE!), but if I don't stop being emo and writing words he used to say on the margins of my notebook it is possible that I am going to fire my brains with a revolver. (That is like, soooo Taking Back Sunday!)
Meanwhile, he might be going on smoothly with his life. Good for him, if ever. The last thing I want is for us to be bitter. No, I don't want that. I want us to move on and be friends! But as of now I don't really want to know if he has a new girl or w/e, because if that happens: look back at Taking Back Sunday reference. Yeah!
Cheese: I can honestly say, that I have never, ever, EVER felt this way. Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin.
It's taking everything in me just to forget your sweater so far.
More cheese: You are the smell before rain. You are the blood in my veins.
FUCK!
The months, they don't matter, it's the days that I can't take.
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